One Step at a Time

Small steps. This is in the title of my book – but it also reflects my own writing journey.

Though I have to admit that I never considered taking small steps when the idea of writing a book about women’s healing journeys floated into my consciousness.  

I assumed that capturing women’s stories and wisdom in a book would be similar to my many years as a freelance journalist except for one slight difference – instead of a short deadline, I would complete the manuscript, perhaps in a year. 

Small Step: Don’t guess – make a plan

Drawing on my crashing waves of energy, I approached women I knew well and others vaguely. 

I was equally vague about the number of stories I needed but busily organised thirteen interviews. A tight schedule of meeting the women in cafes on the Sunshine Coast and Melbourne, and doing three interviews on Zoom.

I recorded each interview on my trusty Olympus digital voice recorder that I had used for about fifteen years. The voice quality is clear but its downside is juggling the recording space available with existing files I wanted to keep. My only choice was to transcribe each interview before the next one was happening.

Small Step: Follow your gut feeling

I was excited and pleased with myself when I finally  saw all the completed interview transcripts stapled and stacked on a shelf. Until I felt a niggling sensation.

A feeling I knew well from writing newspaper stories – my intuition was nudging me to reconsider an idea. So I did.

Reflecting on the women’s stories, I decided that I needed to anchor them in facts about trauma and loss.

Small Step: Do your research

I began researching on the internet but preferring hard copy to screen time, I soon had the bottom shelf of my bookcase stacked with books by well-known experts. 

There was social researcher Brené Brown daring us to be vulnerable, trauma expert Dr Bessel van der Kolk revealing how trauma lodges in the body, and clinical psychologist Dr Edith Shiro sharing strategies for post-traumatic growth.

Also on the shelf were books by spiritual growth expert Shakti Gawain, communication coach Veronica Rueckert urging women to let their voices be heard, psychotherapist Kelly McDaniel guiding daughters who missed out on motherly love  ... and many more.

Delving into our emotional landscapes, resilience, case studies of trauma, and healing the broken parts of us fascinated me, and I became lost down the rabbit hole of research. The months clicked over and my one-year self-imposed deadline passed.

From each book, I summarised key concepts and quotes, printed them out, stapled the pages and assigned them to another shelf in my cupboard. My head was filled with stories and facts.

Small Step: Listen to your body

Then my busyness dimmed. 

I hadn’t listened to my body telling me to slow down. Or to my brain wanting some quiet time. Or to my nervous system overloaded by references to trauma, loneliness, pain and fear. I dipped down into fatigue.

Many more months passed.

Small step: Let go of expectations and slow down

When I surfaced back into life, I looked at the piles of transcribed interviews and research notes. To bring the stories to life, I realised I needed to take small steps. To have no expectations. To enjoy the process. 

Taking my time, I read and reflected on each woman’s story. At this slower pace, I saw how each story hinged on a specific comment, like: “I became an adult at ten.” ... “Growing up, I felt that I wasn’t seen or heard.” ... “I never felt peaceful at home.” ... “My parents kept their secret from me.” 

At a slower pace, I contacted each woman and arranged another interview to focus on specific incidents in their lives. And my research enabled me to frame questions that generated a depth to the women’s responses. 

No longer was I concerned about a deadline for finishing my book – I wanted to honour the women in the way I wrote and shaped their stories. 

By now, with my pile of transcribed interviews even larger, I decided to create a structure for my book. 

I summarised key concepts from each story and slowly four major themes emerged. I headed them: Trapped in Trauma, Stuck in Silence, Mother-Daughter Disconnection and Dark Clouds of Mental Health. Though all the stories could have crossed over into multiple themes. 

By then another year had passed.

Small Step: Don’t give up – face challenges

I wrote one story and the familiar niggling feeling emerged – this time about my writing style. Was it good enough? Is this how a story should be? 

Intuitively, I knew I needed guidance. But who? And how to find someone when I lived in a town that was more of a destination for tourists and retirees.  

Several days later, I was sitting at an outdoor café in Peregian Beach. Unaware at the time that this was exactly where I needed to be. 

My husband and I were finishing lunch when I glanced at the adjoining bookshop. A memory flickered. Of the bookshop owner being involved in a writing workshop that I had attended many years earlier when my idea for a book was the size of a pea.

Maybe the owner knew of someone who could help me with my writing. Nothing to lose, I told myself, as my steady footsteps masked my nervousness. 

The bookshop owner told me of Rose, an award-winning short story writer and writing mentor, and gave me her phone number.

Small Step: Seek out a wise woman

Excited and eager, I phoned Rose that afternoon and left a message. A few days later, Rose rang and when I described my dilemma, she told me she was unable to help me. She was going to mentor another writer and she needed time for her own writing.

My disappointment must have been tinged with desperation when I said, “One session ... only one ... so I know how to best present the stories.” Rose agreed. 

It was mid-December and Rose suggested I phone her in early January. And I did. But more months would slipped by until we met in April.

Rose is tall, slim and softly spoken with beautiful diction. 

Sitting with Rose on her back verandah and sipping fruit tea, we talked casually. Though I wondered when she would talk about the chapter I had sent her. That happened after about forty-five minutes. 

Rose shuffled the pages in front of her and showed me her comments written in pencil. She gently suggested reducing the number of stories to ten which would bring my book to seventy thousands words, making it more affordable to buy. I also needed to describe the women so readers have an image and to show how childhood experiences affected each woman ... and so much more. 

Our scheduled ninety minutes extended to over two hours. 

Before I left, Rose offered to mentor me. At that moment a weight slipped from my shoulders. Months later when I asked Rose why she changed her mind, she replied, “I saw that you could write.” 

Each time I rewrote one chapter, I mailed it to Rose for her to reflect on before our meeting, usually two days later. 

Small Step: Make time to enjoy inspiring chats

Always Rose and I sat outside around a table that she had set out with nuts or grapes in a small glass bowl and a vase of flowers from her cottage garden bordering the front of her unit. Rose prepared either a jug of lemon water or made fresh herbal tea depending on the weather. 

Our meetings were leisurely with Rose recounting stories of growing up in New Zealand, her time as a teacher at a boarding school in England, her overseas travels, of being an editor at Deakin University ... and much more. Sometimes the story I had written prompted memories – her divorce ... the deep friendship of a friend who committed suicide ... her relationship with her sons. 

Such colour to her stories. Such colour to her life.

Always I looked forward to seeing Rose and being enveloped in her wisdom. Always I left feeling light and inspired. 

Chapter by chapter, my book took on a different shape. 

Eighteen months had passed.

For the next stage of my book, Rose suggested finding an editor to do a developmental edit which involves looking at the whole manuscripts for its strength and weaknesses.

Small Step:  Develop trust – everything always works out well

A friend who is a children’s book editor suggested Sydney-based editor, Kim, to do the developmental edit. 

After reading Kim’s profile on her website, I was immediately hooked – she had a psychology degree which appealed to me considering my book’s theme. 

When we spoke on the phone, Kim asked me to describe the women’s stories. She informed me of her busy schedule and I would need to wait four months. Of course, I agreed. 

Two weeks later, I phoned Kim asking to clarify aspects of the developmental edit. And she did.

Then her bright voice dropped several tones as she told me what I didn’t want to hear – she didn’t feel comfortable editing women’s stories of trauma and grief.

I told her I understood. However, again my disappointment must have slipped into desperation – she offered to read one of my stories. 

Promptly I emailed a story and a few days later, I eagerly read Kim’s reply – she liked how I had sensitivity crafted a woman’s healing journey from child sexual abuse. 

Her hesitancy melted. She would edit my work. Again, a weight slipped from my shoulders.

Small Step: Reflect on new ideas

Two months after sending my manuscript to Kim, I received her comments.

I didn’t know what to expect from an editor, but what Kim did was more than I would ever have imagined. Seven pages with suggestions to enhance the flow of my book. And comments at the side of most pages highlighting references to articles and concepts to consider.

Her insights resonated with me. Of having positive themes to reflect the optimism in the book’s title with its reference to small steps, healing and transformation. Of creating five themes each comprising two chapters. Of using the women’s names as chapter heading. Of delving more deeply into post-traumatic growth ... and so much more.

Encouraged by Kim’s vision, I divided the book based on the body’s chakras; these are vortices of energy flowing in and through the body. The five themes I created are Developing Trust, Connecting With Your Emotions, Stepping Into Your Personal Power, Letting In Loss And Love, and Speaking Your Truth. 

Frequently, I phoned Kim asking her advice.  Like snuggling into a cosy blanket, her kindness, interest and insights enveloped me. 

Small Step: Take your time crafting your stories

The rewrite took time as I allowed each woman’s story to unfold like a film and reshaped the two mini-meditations at the end of each chapter to reflect the new theme for each section. Constantly, I considered words and sentence structure, like I had always done as a journalist when writing feature stories.

Small Step: Be brave – let others preview your book

Many more months came and went. But the passing of time didn’t matter anymore.

 When I was pleased with what I had created, I also knew I need to test the idea in the wider world. I asked a few women to read my book and share their impressions. A big ask! 

Two women remarked that the book made them feel less alone in their own healing journeys. One of them believes the book is “a helpful guide for self-help.” The other woman described the book as inspiring and nourishing – like being wrapped in a warm hug of feminine energy and wisdom. 

All liked the way the stories were written with one woman remarking, “The book has a lovely gentle flow .. the words just wash over you. I admire the way your allow each woman’s voice to shine through and gently guide the reader along the journey.”

Small Step: Be creative in solving problems

After I sent the book’s revised version to Kim, I had to finish a task that I had started months earlier – permission to use quotes that are at the start of each chapter. This involved contacting publishers if a quote came from a book or women whose words I wanted to use. 

An interesting experience. 

Soon I discovered that choosing quotes from books published by small companies was far preferable – they didn’t have forms to complete wanting to know publication date and the number of copies of books and e-books. Details that I had no idea about. 

With some women, permission came promptly. I emailed Australian writer Nikki Gemmell at about 9pm one evening and she replied within minutes. And the office of American feminist Gloria Steinhem responded overnight. Both replies wished me well with my book. 

In her report, Kim described my book as inspiring with its stories about strong women who faced their traumas and chose a path of healing. Any time doubts crept into my mind about my book, Kim gently reminded me, “It’s awesome.”

Small Step: Believe in yourself

My next step after Kim finished her final read of the manuscript was to send the stories to the women I had interviewed. I also emailed them the Introduction to enable them gain a feel for the book overall. I set a deadline of three weeks.

Then came the wait. A nervous wait.

Two women emailed me promptly. One telling me that she loved everything about the book – the thoughts, the structure and her story. Another woman wrote that she was excited and a little nervous about reading her story but when she did, she told me, “It’s beautifully written ... you did an amazing job with the accuracy. I sent the story to my sister and she said it was touching for her to read – things she related to.” 

All the responses I received touched my heart, including this one: “I can’t tell you how touching, insightful, and meaningful it was to read the story in full. The way you captured my story ... was such a powerful reminder of the total non-randomness of life and how every stepping stone, no matter how painful or difficult, leads to the next – with all the mess and magic between.”

I was keen to reconnect with the women either on the phone or in person, and managed to do this with most of them. 

I have much gratitude for how patient and gracious the women have been. How they openly shared their wounds and wisdom. And how they believed in my vision for the book – for other women to see snapshots of their lives in the stories and to know that they aren’t alone, and that healing and change are possible.

Small Step: Celebrate each step of your writing journey 

As for the next stage of seeing my book published ... well it’s a matter of more small steps. And I’m used to that.

But now as I look back on my writing journey, I realise that into the unknown I had actually taken a giant leap.

What small steps have been part of a specific experience in your life? I’d love to hear your story. Email me at hello@eileenvamos.com.